A few mornings ago as I woke, my first thought was “I’m too fat.”
I felt my soft tummy folds, my cellulitic thighs and butt, and thought about how I hated myself.
Mr Hyde had moved in. I’ve been a little down, truth be told, more times than up and I’ve had a memory like a sieve (Can I just apologise right now to my beautiful clients for the things I have forgotten – I am so very sorry).
You have no idea how frustrating it is …well maybe you do 🙂
I am a tad anaemic, thyroid slowing down, have developed eczema, reacting to more foods every week, retaining fluid in my legs, having hot flushes, have weak teeth and poor vision, various gut complaints, retwisted an ankle, have various aches and pains PLUS I’ve put on 8kg since early December.
And I don’t like it. This is not the me I want to be.
I don’t want to feel like this.
I don’t want to think like this.
I don’t want to look like this.
I don’t want to be like this.
So, I’ve come out camping with my hubby and son.
We’re on a property near Jandowae, about three and a half hours drive from home.
That’s a lot of good thinking time.
I’ve listened to a few podcasts on the way out – mostly business-oriented but most things you can also relate to on a personal level. That got me thinking too.
I’m not blaming anyone for this mess I feel I’m in.
I’m happy to take full responsibility for my decisions and actions but I’m not going to take the blame angle.
I’m just going to look at what’s contributed to it all and move forward from there. I’m going to find my beautiful.
So, here goes, enter Dr Jekyll:
I’ve faltered with my exercise program.
My PT has moved on and I haven’t yet found another nor have I kept up my home exercise program.
The weather, a twisted ankle, illness and other weekend commitments have interfered with my fortnightly bush trail walks which I love.
Sometimes people don’t understand your food sensitivities like you do and it’s just easier to just eat what’s there.
Big mistake. Big big mistake.
That doesn’t work for anyone.
You may not get hives or swell up but you are still reacting. A belly ache, joint pain, bloating and fatigue make you feel crap and are avoidable.
The flushes and sweats that happen for some women are the body’s way of adjusting to hormonal signals that can’t be met. In me they are induced and exacerbated by coffee, stress and impatience or similar!
Actually, I’ve just had one sitting here by the dam.
Here’s my view:
And I have just observed myself through it – waves of internal heat through my entire body and culminating in my face. I just breathed and observed and allowed. No worries.
No problem. Easy. So perhaps that is key for me. Calm. Allow.
See. I’m also taking a few supplements to help this transition phase.
Weight and how you see yourself is a very personal thing.
My upper limit that I will tolerate for myself is when my thighs start to rub and my shorts ride up. That’s my sign. Diet, activity, stress and hormones all play a role in how I put on fat.
We’ve welcomed two new grandbabies, the first in early December and more recently in March.
I get very emotionally involved and this affects my hormones. It doesn’t for all women, but with the impending births of two of my earlier grandchildren, I actually produced milk. Just through thoughts! Amazing isn’t it.
So, hormones have contributed to my state. (On a side note, oestrogen and insulin are fat producing hormones, so your cycle and what you eat are definite predictors in the weight stakes.)
Well, wrong choices. It’s that easy. Plus, too much in and not enough out.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I’m going to blog my way through my health journey and you are most welcome to follow along.
So, where will I start?
They say “Physician, heal thyself”. And that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll start where I’d start with you.
At the beginning.
With a health assessment.
Then a plan.
Then I’ll act.
And so on.
I’ll be back with an update.
Do you have your own story? Do you need some help?